- Alien Brain Drain
- While lying on my back to make
- An angel in the snow
- I saw a greenish graft appear!
- A giant UFO!
-
- A strange, unearthly hum it made!
- It hovered overhead!
- And aliens were moving 'round
- In view ports glowing red!
-
- I tried to run for cover, but
- A hook that they had low'r'd
- Snagged me by my overcoat
- And hoisted me aboard.
-
- Even then, I tried to fight
- And though they numbered many,
- I poked them in their compound eyes
- And pulled on their antennae!
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- It was no use! They dragged me to
- A platform, tied me up,
- And wired to my cranium
- A fiendish suction cup!
-
- They turned it on and current coursed
- Across my cerebellum
- Coaxing from my brain tissue
- The things I wouldn't tell 'em!
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- All the math I ever learned,
- The numbers and equations,
- Were mechanic'ly removed in this
- Brain-draining operation!
-
- My escape was an adventure.
- (I won't tell you what I did.)
- Suffice to say, I cannot add,
- So ask some other kid.
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- Exploring Mind
- From: The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
- I made a big decision a little while ago.
- I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
- That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
- Even though it often might appear inconsequential.
-
- I must have been distracted when I left my home because
- Left or right I'm sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)
- Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
- Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.
-
- For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray.
- And that is how I got to where I find myself today.
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- Explorers are we, intrepid and bold,
- Out in the wild, amongst wonders untold.
- Equipped wit our wits, a map, and a snack,
- We're searching for fun and we're on the right track!
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- My mother has eyes on the back of her head!
- I don't quite believe it, but that's what she said.
- She explained that she'd been so uniquely endowed
- To catch me when I did Things Not Allowed.
- I think she must also have eyes on her rear.
- I've noticed her hindsight is usually clear.
-
- At night my mind does not much care
- If what it thinks is here or there.
- It tells me stories it invents
- And makes up things that don't make sense.
- I don't know why it does this stuff.
- The real world seems quite weird enough.
-
- What if my bones were in a museum,
- Where aliens paid good money to see 'em?
- And suppose that they'd put me together all wrong,
- Sticking bones on to bones where they didn't belong!
-
- Imagine phalanges, pelvis, and spine
- Welded to mandibles that once had been mine!
- With each misassemblage, the error compounded,
- The aliens would draw back in terror, astounded!
-
- Their textbooks would show me in grim illustration,
- The most hideous thing ever seen in creation!
- The museum would commission a model in plaster
- Of ME, to be called, "Evolution's Disaster"!
-
- And paleontologists there would debate
- Dozens of theories to help postulate
- How man survived for those thousands of years
- With teeth-covered arms growing out of his ears!
-
- Oh, I hope that I'm never in such manner displayed,
- No matter HOW much to see me the aliens paid.
-
- I did not want to go with them.
- Alas, I had no choice.
- This was made quite clear to me
- In threat'ning tones of voice.
-
- I protested mightily
- And scrambled 'cross the floor.
- But though I grabbed the furniture,
- they dragged me out of the door.
-
- In the car, I screamed and moaned.
- I cried my red eyes dry.
- The window down, I yelled for help
- To people we passed by.
-
- Mom and Dad can make the rules
- And certain things forbid,
- But I can make them wish that they
- Had never had a kid.
-
- Now I'm in bed,
- The sheets pulled to my head.
- My tiger is here making Zs.
- He's furry and hot.
- He takes up a lot
- Of the bed and he's hogging the breeze.
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- My Mom and Dad
- My mom and my dad are not what they seem.
- Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
- I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
- My parents are outer space alien freaks!
-
- They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
- Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
- My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
- They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.
-
- Early each morning, as the sun rises,
- Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
- I knew right away their masks weren't legit.
- Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.
-
- The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
- They say not to run, wherever I go.
- They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
- They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.
-
- They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
- They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
- I cannot escape their alien gaze,
- And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.
- For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
- They're bringing me up to turn me into them!
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- Nauseous Nocturne
- Another night deprived of slumber,
- Hours passing without number,
- My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay
- Dripping sweat and now quite certain
- That tonight the final curtain
- Drops upon my short life's precious play.
-
- From the darkness, by the closet
- Comes a noise, much like a faucet
- Makes: a madd'ning drip-drip-dripping sound.
- It seems some ill-proportioned beast,
- Anticipating me deceased,
- Is drooling poison puddles on the ground.
-
- A can of Mace, a forty-five,
- Is all I'd need to stay alive,
- But no weapon lies within my sight.
- Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping,
- Ominous and black, it's seeping
- Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light!
-
- Suddenly a floorboard creak
- Announces the bloodsucking freak
- Is here to steal my future years away!
- A sulf'rous smell now fills the room
- Heralding my imm'nent doom!
- A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray!
-
- Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles!
- Throbbing, pulsing ventricles!
- Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws!
- Worse, in terms of outright scariness,
- Are the suckers multifarious
- That grab and force you in its mighty jaws!
-
- This disgusting aberration
- Of nature needs no motivation
- To devour helpless children in their beds.
- Relishing despairing moans,
- It chews kids up and sucks their bones,
- And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads!
-
- I know this 'cause I read it not
- Two hours ago, and then I got
- The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes.
- My parents swore upon their honor
- That I was safe, and not a goner.
- I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes.
-
- In the morning, they'll come in
- And say, "what was that awful din
- We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!"
- Only then will they surmise
- The gruesomeness of my demise
- And see that my remains are in a heap.
-
- Dad will look at Mom and say,
- "Too bad he had to go that way."
- And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent.
- Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting,
- That as he was this world quitting,
- He should leave another mess before he went."
-
- They may not mind at first, I know.
- They will miss me later, though,
- And perhaps admit that they were wrong.
- As memories of me grow dim,
- They'll say, "We were too strict with him.
- We should have listened to him all along."
-
- As speedily my end approaches,
- I bid a final "buenas noches"
- To my best friend here in all the world.
- Gently snoring, whiskers seeming
- To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming),
- He lies snuggled in the blankets, curled.
-
- HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CRETIN!
- YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?!
- Suddenly the monster knows I'm not alone!
- There's an animal in bed with me!
- An awful beast he did not see!
- The monster never would've come if he had known!
-
- The monster, in his consternation,
- Demonstrated defenestration,
- And runs and runs and runs and runs away.
- Rid of the pest,
- I now can rest,
- Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day.
-
- The End.
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- Six Days 'Til Christmas
- My hands were all shaky,
- My face had gone pale.
- A letter from Santa
- Just arrived in the mail!
-
- It was hand-written
- In old-fashioned in pen.
- It was handsomely printed
- And dated twelve ten.
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- "Dear Calvin," it said.
- "I'm writing because
- This year I've repealed
- My 'Naughty/Nice' laws.
-
- So now, I urge you:
- Be vulgar and crude!
- I like it when children
- Are boorish and rude!
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- Burp at the table!
- Gargle your peas!
- Never say 'Thank you,'
- 'You're welcome,' or 'Please.'
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- Talk back to your mother.
- Don't do as you're told.
- Stick your tongue out
- At your dad if he scolds!
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- Drive everyone crazy.
- I really don't care!
- Act like a jerk.
- Anytime, anywhere!
-
- I'm changing the rules!
- The bad girls and boys
- Will be, from now on,
- The ones who get toys.
-
- Good little kids make
- Me sick. It's no joke.
- Sincerely, signed Santa."
-
- ...and then I awoke.
-
- I hate being good
- (or trying to fake it).
- Six days until Christmas!
- I don't think I'll make it.
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- The Tyrannosaur
- Eighty million years ago,
- Back in the late cretaceous,
- Lived the great Tyrannosaur,
- A fearsome and predacious
- Therapod of monstrous size!
- He weighed six tons or more!
- He epitomized the concept of
- The killer carnivore!
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- His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes
- With fore and aft serrations!
- This dental hardware was designed
- For quick eviscerations!
- With thrashing bites and awful roars
- The T. rex would attack!
- He was, it's clear, a savage
- Mesozoic maniac!
-
- Imagine, then, the panic caused,
- The horror and the mayhem,
- When this monster came to town
- And ate some folks this a.m.!
- It was a sight few will forget!
- He lunged into the crowd!
- The multitude became unglued!
- Their screams were long and loud!
-
- People pushed to get away!
- The elderly and small
- Were trampled underfoot by the
- Advancing human wall!
- Little Tim was on an errand
- With his brother Howard.
- They dawdled by the candy shop
- And both boys were devoured.
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- A camera crew from Channel Three
- Arrived in town to give
- A live report. At this they failed,
- Because the didn't live.
- At last the menace ate his fill.
- The big tyrannosaur
- Stomped away to parts unknown
- Where he had lived before.
-
- Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen,
- Are certainly still around
- And no one knows just where or when
- The next one will be found.
- ...Except me.
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- TheAliens Came From a Far Distant World
- The aliens came
- From a far distant world
- In a large yellow ship
- That blinked as it twirled.
- It rounded the moon,
- And entered our sky.
- We knew they had come
- But we didn't know why.
-
- Bright the next morning,
- With noisy commotion,
- The ship slowly moved
- Out over the ocean.
- It lowered a tube
- And drained the whole sea
- For transport back home
- To their galaxy.
-
- The tube then sucked up
- The clouds and the air,
- Causing no small amount
- Of Earthling despair.
- With nothing to breath
- We started to die.
- "Help us! Please stop!"
- Was the public outcry.
-
- A hatch opened up
- And the aliens said,
- "We're sorry to learn
- That you soon will be dead,
- But though you may find
- This slightly macabre,
- We prefer your extinction
- To the loss of our job."
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- Christmas Eve
- On window panes, the icy frost
- Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed,
- But in our house the christmas tree
- Is decorated festively
- With tiny dots of colored light
- That cozy up this winter night.
- Christmas songs, familiar, slow,
- Play softly on the radio.
- Pops and isses from the fire
- Whistle with the bells and choir.
-
- My tiger is now fast asleep
- On his back and dreaming deep.
- When te fire makes him hot,
- He turns to warm whatever's not.
- Propped against him on the rug,
- I give my friend a gentle hug.
- Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
- But I can wait a little more.
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- The Yukon Song
- From: Yukon Ho!
- My tiger friend has got the sled,
- And I have packed a snack.
- We're all set for the trip ahead.
- We're never coming back!
-
- We're abandoning this life we've led!
- So long, Mom and Pop!
- We're sick of doing what you've said,
- And now it's going to stop!
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- We're going where it snows all year,
- Where life can have real meaning.
- A place where we won't have to hear,
- "Your room could stand some cleaning."
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- The Yukon is the place for us!
- That's where we want to live.
- Up there we'll get to yell and cuss,
- And act real primitive.
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- We'll never have to go to school,
- Forced into submission,
- By monstrous, crabby teachers who'll
- Make us learn addition.
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- We'll never have to clean a plate,
- Of veggie glops and goos.
- Messily we'll masticate,
- Using any fork we choose!
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- The timber wolves will be our friends.
- We'll stay up late and howl,
- At the moon, till nighttime ends,
- Before going on the prowl.
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- Oh, what a life! We cannot wait,
- To be in that artic land.
- Where we'll be masters of our fate,
- And lead a life that's grand!
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- No more of parental rules!
- We're heading for some snow!
- Good riddance to those grown-up ghouls!
- We're leaving! Yukon Ho!
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